Counseling/Trauma/PTSD/Abuse Blog

Codependency Series-Part 1

2/13/2017

What is Co-Dependency?
Codependence deals with the core issues of the human dilemma.  Codependence has grown out of the cause from which all symptoms arise. That cause is Spiritual dis-ease not being at ease, at one with Spiritual Self.

A Definition of Codependence
Codependence is a primary, progressive, chronic, fatal, and treatable disease which is caused by being raised in an emotionally dishonest, spiritually hostile environment. The primary environment is the family system which is part of the larger emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional society which is part of a civilization that is based on false beliefs about the nature and purpose of being human.

Codependence is characterized by dependence on outer or external sources for self-worth and self-definition. This outer or external dependence, combined with unhealed childhood emotional wounds which get reactivated/gouged whenever an emotional "button" is pushed, cause the Codependent to live life in reaction to, give power over self-esteem to, outside sources.

Codependence is being at war with ourselves - which makes it impossible to trust and Love ourselves. Codependence is denying parts of ourselves so that we do not know who we are .

In a war, soldiers are forced to deny their emotions in order to survive. This emotional denial works to help the soldier survive the war, but later can have devastating delayed consequences. The medical profession has now recognized the trauma and damage that this emotional denial can cause, and have coined a term to describe the effects of this type of denial. That term is "Delayed Stress Syndrome."

In a war, soldiers have to deny what it feels like to see friends killed and maimed; what it feels like to kill other human beings and have them attempting to kill you. There is trauma caused by the events themselves. There is trauma due to the necessity of denying the emotional impact of the events.  There is trauma from the effects the emotional denial has on the person's life after he/she has returned from the war because as long is the person is denying his/her emotional trauma she/he is denying a part of her/himself. The stress caused by the trauma, and the effect of denying the trauma, by denying self, eventually surfaces in ways which produce new trauma - anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse, nightmares, uncontrollable rage, inability to maintain relationships, inability to hold jobs, suicide, etc.

Codependence is a form of Delayed Stress Syndrome.
Instead of blood and death (although some do experience blood and death literally), what happened to us as children was spiritual death and emotional maiming, mental torture and physical violation. We were forced to grow up denying the reality of what was happening in our homes. We were forced to deny our feelings about what we were experiencing and seeing and sensing. We were forced to deny ourselves.

We grew up having to deny the emotional reality: of parental alcoholism, addiction, mental illness, rage, violence, depression, abandonment, betrayal, deprivation, neglect, incest, etc. etc.; of our parents fighting or the underlying tension and anger because they weren't being honest enough to fight; of dad's ignoring us because of his work holism and/or mom smothering us because she had no other identity than being a mother; of the abuse that one parent heaped on another who wouldn't defend him/herself and/or the abuse we received from one of our parents while the other wouldn't defend us; of having only one parent or of having two parents who stayed together and shouldn't have; etc., etc.

We grew up with messages like: children should be seen and not heard; big boys don't cry and little ladies don't get angry; it is not okay to be angry at someone you love - especially your parents; god loves you but will send you to burn in hell forever if you touch your shameful private parts; don't make noise or run or in any way be a normal child; do not make mistakes or do anything wrong; etc., etc.

We were born into the middle of a war where our sense of self was battered and fractured and broken into pieces. We grew up in the middle of battlefields where our beings were discounted, our perceptions invalidated, and our feelings ignored and nullified.

The war we were born into, the battlefield each of us grew up in, was not in some foreign country against some identified "enemy" - it was in the "homes" which were supposed to be our safe haven with our parents whom we Loved and trusted to take care of us. It was not for a year or two or three - it was for sixteen or seventeen or eighteen years.

We experienced what is called "sanctuary trauma" - our safest place to be was not safe - and we experienced it on a daily basis for years and years. Some of the greatest damage was done to us in subtle ways on a daily basis because our sanctuary was a battlefield.

It was not a battlefield because our parents were wrong or bad- it was a battlefield because they were at war within, because they were born into the middle of a war. By doing our healing we are becoming the emotionally honest role models that our parents never had the chance to be. Through being in Recovery we are helping to break the cycles of self-destructive behavior that have dictated human existence for thousands of years.

Codependence is a very vicious and powerful form of Delayed Stress Syndrome. The trauma of feeling like we were not safe in our own homes makes it very difficult to feel like we are safe anywhere. Feeling like we were not lovable to our own parents makes it very difficult to believe that anyone can Love us. Codependence is being at war with ourselves - which makes it impossible to trust and Love ourselves. Codependence is denying parts of ourselves so that we do not know who we are.

Recovery from the disease of Codependence involves stopping the war within so that we can get in touch with our True Self, so that we can start to Love and trust ourselves.

Resources: "Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls"

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Codependency Series Part 2

2/10/2017

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The Evolution of the Term "Codependence"
The phenomenal growth of AA and the success of the disease concept in the treatment of Alcoholism generated the founding of treatment centers in the late 1950s and early 1960s. These early treatment centers were based on what had been successful in early AA. They focused on getting the Alcoholic sober and paid very little attention to the families of Alcoholics.

As these treatment centers matured and evolved, they noticed that the families of Alcoholics seemed to have certain characteristics and patterns of behavior in common. So they started to pay some attention to the families. A term was coined to describe the significant others of Alcoholics.  That term was "co-alcoholic" - literally "alcoholic with." The belief was that while the Alcoholic was addicted to alcohol, the co-alcoholic was addicted, in certain ways, to the Alcoholic. The belief was that the families of Alcoholics became sick because of the Alcoholic's drinking and behavior. With the drug
explosion of the sixties, Alcoholism treatment centers became chemical dependency treatment centers. Co-alcoholics became named co-dependents. The meaning was still a literal "dependent with," and the philosophy was much the same.

In the mid-to-late seventies, however, certain pioneers in the field began to look more closely at the behavior patterns of families affected by addiction. Some researchers focused primarily on Alcoholic families, and then graduated to studying adults who had grown up in Alcoholic families. Other researchers started looking more closely at the phenomenon of Family Systems Dynamics.

Out of these studies came the defining of the Adult Child Syndrome, at first primarily in terms of Adult Children of Alcoholics and then expanding to other types of dysfunctional families. Ironically this research was in a sense a rediscovery of the
insight which in many ways was the birth of modern psychology. Sigmund Freud made his early fame as a teenager with his insight into the importance of early childhood trauma.

What the researchers were beginning to understand was how profoundly the emotional trauma of early childhood affects a person as an adult.  They realized that if not healed, these early childhood emotional wounds, and the subconscious attitudes adopted because of them, would dictate the adult's reaction to, and path throughout life. Thus, we walk around looking like and trying to act like adults, while reacting to life out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of childhood. We keep repeating the patterns of abandonment, abuse, and deprivation that we experienced in childhood.

Psychoanalysis addressed these issues only on the intellectual level - not on the emotional healing level. As a result, a person could go to psychoanalysis weekly for twenty years and still be repeating the same behavior patterns.

As the Adult Child movement, the Family Systems Dynamics research, and the newly emerging "inner child" healing movement expanded and developed in the eighties, the term "Codependent" expanded. It became a term used as a description of certain types of behavior patterns. These were basically identified as "people-pleasing" behaviors. By the middle to late eighties the term "Codependent" was associated with people-pleasers who set themselves up to be victims and rescuers. In other words, it was recognized that the Codependent was not sick because of the Alcoholic but rather was attracted to the Alcoholic because of his/her disease, because of her/his early childhood experience.

At that time, Codependence was basically defined as a passive behavioral defense system, and its opposite or aggressive counterpart was described as counter dependent. Then most Alcoholics and addicts were thought to be counter dependent.

The word changed and evolved further after the start of the modern Codependence movement in Arizona in the mid-eighties. Co-Dependents Anonymous had its first meeting in October of 1986, and books on Codependence as a disease in and of itself started appearing at about the same time. These Codependence books were the next generation and evolved from the books on the Adult Child Syndrome of the early eighties.

In 1991, codependency was addressed when a recovering alcoholic, John Baker, started Celebrate Recovery in California.  Celebrate Recovery has spread throughout the U.S. and internationally. Utilizing the same 12 steps of AA, it provides help for codependence, and other issues, within the Christian church setting.

The expanded usage of the term "Codependent" now includes counter dependent behavior. We have come to understand that both the passive and the aggressive behavioral defense systems are reactions to the same kinds of childhood trauma, to the same kinds of emotional wounds. The Family Systems Dynamics research shows that within the family system, children adopt certain roles according to their family dynamics. Some of these roles are more passive, some are more aggressive, because in the competition for attention and validation within a family system, the children must adopt different types of behaviors in order to feel like an individual.

A large part of what we identify as our personality is in fact a distorted view of who we really are, due to the type of behavioral defenses we adopted to fit the role or roles we were forced to assume according to the dynamics of our family system. In Codependency Series Part 3, we will look more closely at those behavioral defenses.
You may recognize yourself there and other family members, as well.

Resources: "Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls"

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Codependency Series Part 3

2/7/2017

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Dysfunctional Family = Cultural Harvest
“Dysfunctional families are the product of an emotionally dishonest, shame based, patriarchal society based upon beliefs that do not support Loving self or Loving neighbor." - Robert Burney

"The point that I am making is that our understanding of Codependence has evolved to realizing that this is not just about some dysfunctional families, our very role models, our prototypes, are dysfunctional.

Our traditional cultural concepts of what a man is, of what a woman is, are twisted, distorted, almost comically bloated stereotypes of what masculine and feminine really are. . . . . . .

When the role model of what a man is does not allow a man to cry or express fear; when the role model for what a woman is does not allow a woman to be angry or aggressive - that is emotional dishonesty.  When the standards of a society deny the full range of the emotional spectrum and label certain emotions as negative - that is not only emotionally dishonest, it creates emotional disease.

If a culture is based on emotional dishonesty, with role models that are dishonest emotionally, then that culture is also emotionally dysfunctional, because the people of that society are set up to be emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional in getting their emotional needs met.

What we traditionally have called normal parenting in this society is abusive because it is emotionally dishonest.  Children learn who they are as emotional beings from the role modeling of their parents.   "Do as I say - not as I do," does not work with children. Emotionally dishonest parents cannot be emotionally healthy role models, and cannot provide healthy parenting. Our model for what a family should be sets up abusive, emotionally dishonest dynamics."

Roles in Dysfunctional Families
"There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional family systems."

"As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental . . . . . of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self."

"The scapegoat is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores.
This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family."

"A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters."

"We have come to understand that both the passive and the aggressive behavioral defense systems are reactions to the same kinds of childhood trauma, to the same kinds of emotional wounds.  The Family Systems Dynamics research shows that within the family system, children adopt certain roles according to their family dynamics.
Some of these roles are more passive, some are more aggressive, because in the competition for attention and validation within a family system the children must adopt different types of behaviors in order to feel like an individual."

The emotional dynamics of dysfunctional families are basic - and like emotional dynamics for all human beings are pretty predictable. The outside details may look quite different due to a variety of factors, but the dynamics of the human emotional process are the same for all human beings everywhere.

The basic roles which I list below apply to American culture specifically, and Western Civilization generally - but with a few changes in details could be made to fit most any culture.

There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional family systems. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while others switch from one role to another as the
family dynamic changes (i.e. when the oldest leaves home, etc.)  An only child may play all of the roles at one time or another.

"Responsible Child" - "Family Hero"

This is the child who is "9 going on 40."  This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient.  They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.

As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their
inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.

The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within them that needs to be healed.

"Acting out child" - "Scapegoat"

This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively.  They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.

These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful.
They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.

"Placater"- "Mascot" - "Caretaker"

This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families 'social director' and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger.

This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met.  They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it.  They often have caseloads rather than friendships - and get involved in
abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people.

"Adjuster"- "Lost Child"

This child escapes by attempting to be invisible.  They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it.
They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."

These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem.  They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.

It is important to note that we adapt the roles that are best suited to our personalities. We are, of course, born with a certain personality.  What happens with the roles we adapt in our family dynamic is that we get a twisted, distorted view of who we are as a result of our personality melding with the roles. This is dysfunctional because it causes us to not be able to see ourselves clearly. As long as we are still reacting to our childhood wounding and old tapes then we cannot get in touch clearly with who we really are.

The false self that we develop to survive is never totally false - there is always some Truth in it.  For example, people who go into the helping professions do truly care and
are not doing what they do simply out of Codependence.  Nothing is black and white- everything in life involves various shades of gray. Recovery is about getting honest with ourselves and finding some balance in our life.   Recovery is about seeing ourselves more clearly and honestly so that we can start being True to whom we really are instead of to whom our parents wanted us to be. (Reacting to the other extreme by rebelling against who they wanted us to be is still living life in reaction to our childhoods. It is still giving power over how we live our life to the past instead of seeing clearly so that we can own our choices today.) The clearer we can see our self the easier it becomes to find some balance in our life - to find some happiness, fulfillment, and serenity.

Resources: Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light ; A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life

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Codependency Series Part 4

2/6/2017

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Codependency: How To Make It Stop!
If you wonder whether you may be codependent, you’re not alone.  Different types of people may behave in a codependent manner, and codependence manifests in varying degrees of severity. Not all codependents are unhappy, while others live in pain or quiet desperation. Codependency is not something you heal from and are forever done with, but you can enjoy yourself, your life, and your relationships. Should you choose to embark on recovery, you’re beginning an exciting and empowering journey!

Determining If You are Codependent
If you’re wondering if you’re codependent, take a look at the following list of symptoms. You don’t have to have all of them to be codependent, and there are degrees of severity of codependence. If untreated, codependency gets worse over time, but with help you can recover and be much more effective in your work and relationships.  Here are some common traits:

•Low self-esteem
     •Not liking or accepting yourself
     •Feeling your inadequate in some way
     •Thinking you’re not quite enough
     •Worrying you are or could be a failure
     •Concerned with what other people think about you
•Perfectionism
•Pleasing others and giving up yourself
•Poor boundaries
     •Boundaries that are too weak and there’s not enough
       separateness between you and your partner
     •Boundaries that are too rigid and keep you from being close
     •Boundaries that flip back and forth between too close and too rigid
•Reactivity
•Dysfunctional Communication
     •Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings
     •Difficulty setting boundaries — saying “No” or stopping abuse
     •Abusive language
     •Lack of assertiveness about your needs
•Dependency
     •Afraid of being alone or out of a relationship
     •Feeling trapped in a bad relationship and unable to leave
     •Relying too much on others opinions
•Intimacy problems
     •Avoidance of closeness
     •Losing yourself
     •Trying to control or manipulate others
     •Feeling trapped in a dysfunctional relationship
•Denial
     •Denial of codependency
     •Denial about a painful reality in your relationship
     •Denial of your feelings
     •Denial of your needs
•Caretaking
•Control
     •Controlling your own feelings
     •Managing and controlling people in your life; telling them what to do
     •Manipulating others to feel or behave like you want (people pleasing is     a      manipulation)
•Obsessions
•Addiction to a substance or process
•Painful emotion
     •Shame
     •Anxiety
     •Fear
     •Guilt
     •Hopelessness
    •Despair
     •Depression

Reducing Stress through Relaxation
The key to overcoming codependency is relaxing and building a loving relationship with yourself.  At Harvard Medical School, Dr. Herbert Benson developed a type of
relaxation that doesn’t require any spiritual beliefs, but was very effective to reduce stress, anxiety, depression and anger.   It’s called the Relaxation Response. Try it and if you like it do it every day.

  1. Sit n a relaxed position, and close your eyes.
2. Starting at your toes and progressing to your face, relax each muscle, and keep them relaxed.
3. Breathe normally through your nose, and repeat “one” silently with each inhale and again with each exhale. Do not control your breath.
4. Do this daily for 10 to 20 minutes, and take a few minutes before returning to normal activities.

Turning the Focus onto Yourself
Focusing on someone else is a real problem for codependents! Letting go isn’t easy. Turning that around so that your focus is on you doesn’t make you selfish; in fact, it’s showing respect for someone else’s autonomy and boundaries and respect for yourself! Here are some practical things you can do:
•When you’re together, remember not to watch the other person.
•Don’t obsess or worry about him or her. Imagine putting the person in God’s hands or surrounded by healing light. Send them love.
•Don’t judge others, just as you don’t want to be judged.
•Don’t have expectations of others; instead, meet expectations of yourself.
•You didn’t cause someone else’s behavior. Others are responsible for their behavior, and you’re only responsible for yours.
•Write about your feelings in a journal. Read it to someone close to you or a therapist.
•Practice mediation or spirituality.
•Pursue your own interests and have fun.
•Remember you cannot change or “fix” someone else. Only he or she has the power to do so.
•Take a time out. If you’re starting to react to someone or are in an argument, it’s a good idea to step away and take some time to think things over. A good idea is to write in your journal.
•Write positive things about yourself in your journal every day.  Look for things you did well or like about yourself, and write them down.
•Take the labels off. Sometimes, you can have expectations and make assumptions about someone very close to you which you wouldn’t of a friend.  Ask yourself how you would treat the other person if he or she wasn’t your partner or parent.

Getting Help for Your Codependency
If you think you may be codependent, you need help to change your behavior. Here are some sources of help for those suffering from codependency:

  •Read all you can about codependency (but reading alone is insufficient to change).

•Go to a Twelve Step meeting for codependents, such as Codependents Anonymous, called CoDA, or Al-Anon for family members of alcoholics. There are other
Twelve Step groups for relatives of other addicts, such as for relatives of gamblers, narcotic addicts, and sex addicts. You can look on the Internet or in your phone book to find out where there’s a meeting near you.  Celebrate Recovery is a place to work the 12-Steps for Codependency and other issues in a Christian church setting.

•Get counseling from someone familiar with codependency. It’s preferable that they are licensed in your state. They may be marriage and family counselors, social workers, addiction specialists, psychologists, or psychiatrists.

You will probably find it hard to focus on and discipline yourself to make changes without the support of a group or therapist. If you’re practicing an addiction, stopping that should be your first priority before tackling codependency. Here’s a list of things you can do on your own to get started:

•When you’re tempted to think or worry about someone else, turn your attention back to you.
•Pay attention to how you talk to and treat yourself. Much of low self-esteem is self-inflicted. Train yourself to speak gently and encouraging rather than telling yourself what you should or shouldn’t be doing or what’s wrong with you.
•Have some fun and pursue hobbies and interests of your own.
•Start a spiritual practice where you spend time alone with yourself. Meditation is an ideal way to help you become more calm and self-aware.
•Start looking for the positive in your life and what you do.  Make a grateful list each day and read it to someone.
•Stand-up for yourself if someone criticizes, undermines, or tries to control you.
•Don’t worry! That’s not easy, but most worries never come to pass. You lose precious
moments in the present. Mediation and talking things out with someone who knows about recovering from codependency can help you.
•Let go of control and the need to manage other people. Remember the saying, “Live and let live.”
•Accept yourself, so you don’t have to be perfect.
•Get in touch with your feelings. Don’t judge them. Feelings just are. They’re not logical or right or wrong.
•Express yourself honestly with everyone. Say what you think and what you feel. Ask for what you need.
•Reach out for help when you feel bad. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re self-sufficient and can manage alone.  That’s a symptom of codependency, too.

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Codependency Series-Part 1

Codependency Series Part 2

Codependency Series Part 3

Codependency Series Part 4

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Beth Watson, LCSW

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