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WHAT DOES EMOTIONAL ABUSE LOOK LIKE?

3/17/2017

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There are six well-known types of emotional abuse:

  1. Rejecting

    Parents or caregivers who display rejecting behavior toward a child will often purposefully or unconsciously let a child know, in a variety of ways, that he or she is unwanted. Putting down a child's worth or belittling their needs are some ways this type of emotional abuse may manifest. Other examples can include telling a child to leave, or worse, to get out of your face, calling him names or telling the child that he is worthless, making a child the family scapegoat or blaming him for family/sibling problems. Refusing to talk to or hold a young child as he grows can also be considered abusive behavior.

  • harsh criticism, belittling, labeling

  • name-calling

  • yelling, screaming or swearing at children

  • humiliation or demeaning jokes

  • teasing about child's mental capabilities or physical appearance

  • refusing love, attention and touch

  • physical or emotional abandonment

  • shunning the child from the family altogether

  • kicking teens out of the home
  • locking kids out of home to punish or discipline
2. Ignoring

Adults who have had few of their emotional needs met are often unable to respond to the needs of their children. They may not show attachment to the child or provide positive nurturing. They may show no interest in the child, or withhold affection or even fail to recognize the child's presence. Many times the parent is physically there but emotionally unavailable. Failing to respond to or consistently interact with your child constitutes emotional and psychological abuse.

  •inconsistent or no response to a child's invitations to connect

•failure to attend to an infant’s physical, social or emotional needs

•refusing to acknowledge a child's interests, activities, schooling, peers, etc.

•abandonment or refusing to acknowledge child as your own

•denying medical or health care, and safe, clean environments

•inability or failure to engage a child emotionally or protect a child from harm

  3.
Terrorizing

Parents who use threats, yelling and cursing are doing serious psychological damage to their children. Singling out one child to criticize and punish or ridiculing her for displaying normal emotions is abusive. Threatening a child with harsh words, physical harm, abandoning or in extreme cases death is unacceptable. Even in jest, causing a child to be terrified by the use of threats and/or intimidating behavior is some of the worst emotional abuse. This includes witnessing, hearing or knowing that violence is taking place in the home.

  •excessive teasing, screaming, cursing, raging at a child

•threatening or intimidating behaviors - scaring a child or others in front of a child

•unpredictable, unreasonable or extreme reactions

•verbal threats to harm the child, self or others

•hostility among family members 

•inconsistent or unreasonable demands placed on a child

•ridiculing or humiliating a child in front of others

•threatening to reveal personal or embarrassing information

  4.
Isolating

A parent who abuses a child through isolation may not allow the child to engage in appropriate activities with his or her peers; may keep a baby in his or her room, unexposed to stimulation or may prevent teenagers from participating in extracurricular activities. Requiring a child to stay in his or her room from the time school lets out until the next morning, restricting eating, or forcing a child to isolation or seclusion by keeping her/him away from family and friends can be destructive and considered emotional abuse depending on the circumstances and severity.


  • leaving a child alone or unattended for long periods of time,

  • not permitting a child to interact with other children or maintain friendships,

  • keeping a child from appropriate social and emotional stimulation,

  • requiring a child stay indoors/in their room or away from peers,

  • keeping a child from playing with friends and activities s/he enjoys,

  • not permitting a child to participate in social activities, parties or group/family events,

  • excessive or extreme punishment for typical childhood behaviors,

encouraging a child to reject friends or social contact/invitations  

    5.
Corrupting

Parents who corrupt may permit children to use drugs or alcohol, watch cruel behavior toward animals, watch or look at inappropriate sexual content or to witness or participate in criminal activities such as stealing, assault, prostitution, gambling, etc. Encouraging an underage child to do things that are illegal or harmful is abusive and should be reported.

​
  • encouraging or rewarding unethical or illegal behavior (drugs, stealing, cheating, lying, bullying)

  • promoting or rewarding promiscuity

  • giving a child or using in the presence of a child: drugs, alcohol and other illegal substances

  • allowing or encouraging children to engage in behavior that is harmful to the self or others.

  6. Exploiting

Exploitation can be considered manipulation or forced activity without regard for a child's need for development. For instance, repeatedly asking an eight-year-old to be responsible for the family's dinner is inappropriate. Giving a child responsibilities that are greater than a child of that age can handle or using a child for profit is abusive.


  • having expectations beyond the developmental stage of the child

  • forcing a child to participate in unwanted activities without just cause

  • requiring a child to care for a parent or siblings without regard for the child's age or ability

  • using blame, shame, judgment or guilt to condemn child for behavior of others (parents/peers/siblings)

  • unreasonable expectations to perform chores or household duties

  • exposing a child to sexually abusive or inappropriate content

 

 

  Sources:

1.Understanding the Six Forms of Emotional Abuse, Oliver Tuthill, Autumn Tree Productions, 1998 http://www.worldcat.org/title/understanding-the-six-forms-of-emotional-child-abuse/oclc/43980174

2. The Effects of Child Abuse and Exposure to Domestic Violence on Adolescent Internalizing and Externalizing Behavior Problems, Carrie A. Moylan, Todd I. Herrenkohl, Cindy Sousa et al. Journal of Family Violence. 2010 January; 25(1): 53–63. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2872483/

3. Straus MA, Field C. Psychological Aggression By American Parents: National Data on Prevalence, Chronicity, and Severity  Washington DC: American Sociological Association; 2000 http://pubpages.unh.edu/~mas2/CTS27.pdf

4. Psychological child maltreatment. A developmental view. Garbarino J. Erikson Institute for Advanced Study in Child Development, Chicago, Illinois. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8356153

- See more at: http://www.teach-through-love.com/types-of-emotional-abuse.html#sthash.aUFoJ0Va.dpuf


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Recognizing Emotional Abuse

11/1/2012

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Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical  assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than  physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant  criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and  refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically  wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their  own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and  belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or  “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value.  Emotional  abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper  and more lasting than physical ones.

 Types of Emotional Abuse
 Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of  abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing.

 Aggressing
 Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing,  blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct  and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or  invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential  to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.

Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in relationships.

Denying
Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist,“I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,“etc.

Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent  treatment.”

Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of them and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from their own.

Minimizing
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.

Trivializing, a more subtle form of minimizing, occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant.

Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experiences.

 Understanding Abusive Relationships
 No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints, and validate your own feelings and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance  taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even comfortable to you, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of  powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically, abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abusers are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings and self-perceptions.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, especially those with family members and other significant people, is a first step toward change. A lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways. For example, you may act as an “abuser” in some instances and as a “recipient” in others. You may find that you tend to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you. In friendships, however, you may play the role of abuser by withholding, manipulating, trying to “help” others, etc. Knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life.

Are You Abusive to Yourself?
Often we allow people into our lives that treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as “I’m stupid” or “I never do anything right” dominate your thinking?
Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

Basic Rights in a Relationship
If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. The following are basic rights in a relationship:
 · The right to good will from the other.
 · The right to emotional support.
 · The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
 · The right to have your own viewpoint, even if the other party has a different view.
 · The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as  real.
 · The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
 · The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what               is legitimately your business.
 · The right to live free from accusation and blame.
 · The right to live free from criticism and  judgment.
 · The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
 · The right to encouragement.
 · The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
 · The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
 · The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
 · The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

 What Can You Do?
 If you recognize yourself or your relationships in this information, you may wish to:
 1.  Educate yourself about emotionally abusive relationships. Two excellent resources include:
     Engle, Beverly, M.F.C.C. The Emotionally Abused Woman: 
     Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself. New York: Fawcett 
     Columbine, 1992.
     Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to 
     Recognize It and How to Respond. Holbrook, Massachusetts: Bob Adams, Inc., 
     1992.
 2. Consider seeing a mental health professional.  A counselor can help you understand the  impact of an emotionally abusive relationship and can help you  learn  healthier ways of relating to others and caring for your own needs.
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WHAT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE?

3/25/2012

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Identifying the cause(s) of PTSD is fairly easy. In other words, the problem is not in identifying the cause but in overcoming the results of the trauma.

Emotional abuse can be difficult to identify because there are usually no outward signs of the abuse. When we look at an emotionally abusive relationship, one of the patterns we see is that one person is almost always the perpetrator of the abuse and the one with more power in the relationship. Emotional abuse is all about power and control!

Emotional abuse includes all kinds of hurtful behaviors, words, and actions designed to scare, manipulate, intimidate, threaten, isolate and destabilize the one with less power in the relationship. Emotional abuse is very hurtful; many people who have been abused say that the emotional abuse is even more damaging and harder to heal from than physical abuse.

Your abuser may be your ex-or current husband or wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, or your adult child, care giver or parent. Abuse happens to people of all ages, teenagers in dating relationships, older people, people of all sexual orientations, people who are disabled and people from all racial, cultural, and religious backgrounds.

Emotional Abuse is when:
  1. Someone uses jealousy and possessiveness as an excuse to make unreasonable demands
  2. Uses guilt trips to manipulate you
  3. Tries to control you by telling you what to do or who you can talk to
  4. Hurts your feelings on purpose and makes you feel bad about yourself
  5. Keeps tabs on you and checks up on you
  6. Controls your money
  7. Manipulates you with sex, by forcing sex or withholding sex
  8. Tries to cut you off from your friends and family
  9. Controls your body or decisions about pregnancy

What an abusive relationship feels like:
  1. You feel confused about whether it’s really abuse because sometimes the other person is nice and fun to be with, or because the abuse is not always obvious
  2. You find yourself ‘walking on egg shells’ being careful to not upset them
  3. The abusive person’s needs and opinions dominate in the relationship and you feel controlled by them

Setting Healthy Boundaries is a remedy for an emotionally abusive relationship. It will take time but it is never too late to change the way you interact with others. Good luck!


For more info, female and/or male victims of emotional abuse visit:
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

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    I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a strong spiritual foundation providing counseling in the Tallahassee, Florida area.  My areas of interest include grief and loss, depression and anxiety, women's emotional health, trauma related issues such as PTSD, family substance abuse issues, domestic violence and family counseling including couples counseling, children and adolescent behavioral issues and parenting. Giving back is very rewarding with the growth and satisfaction of each client. It is my passion and my honor to serve others. 
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