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Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

6/1/2014

9 Comments

 
If you’re in a controlling and abusive relationship, you may recognize several of the characteristics described in this article. 

Described as a victim’s emotional “bonding” with their abuser, Stockholm Syndrome was given its name following a hostage situation in Stockholm, Sweden when, following the end of a bank robbery, the hostages identified with and supported their captor.

Dr. Joseph Carver, a clinical psychologist, describes emotionally bonding with an abuser as a survival strategy for victims of abuse and intimidation. For example, a victim who was abducted and raped may, years later, describe the captor as a “great person” with whom he/she formed an emotional bond, may be showing characteristics of a victim suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.  Other cases of Stockholm Syndrome may be a result of hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:

◦Abused Children

◦Battered/Abused Women

◦Prisoners of War

◦Cult Members

◦Incest Victims

◦Criminal Hostage Situations

◦Concentration Camp Prisoners

◦Controlling/Intimidating Relationships

It is important to remember that Stockholm Syndrome develops subconsciously and on an involuntary basis. The strategy is a survival instinct that develops as an attempt to survive in a threatening and controlling environment.

The Components and Progression of Stockholm Syndrome

Following are the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Common symptoms include:

 

  • Victim having positive feelings toward the abuser

  • Victim having negative feelings toward family, friends, or authorities

  • Abuser having positive feelings toward the victim

  • Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment from the abuser

  • Victim supporting or helping the abuser

 

Following are several stages in the progression of Stockholm Syndrome:

•The victim dissociates from his or her pain, helplessness or terror by subconsciously beginning to see the situation / world from the abuser’s perspective. The victim begins to agree with the abuser and certain aspects of his or her own personality, opinions, and views will fade into the background.

•By doing this, the victim begins to learn how to appease and please the abuser, which may keep him or her from being hurt or worse. Similarly this tactic can be used to manipulate the abuser into being less dangerous, at least for a little while.

•After a while the victim begins to realize that his or her abuser portrays the same human characteristics as anyone else. At this point he or she will begin to see the abuser as less of a threat. Some abusers may even share personal information in an effort to bond with the victim and to promote pity rather than anger.

•This bonding, in turn, leads to conflicting feelings (e.g., rage and pity) and illogical concern for the abuser. The victim may even ignore his or her own needs.

•Once the traumatic event has ended, however, the victim must again learn not to dissociate from his or her emotions and not focus on the abuser. This can be a very difficult transition.

 

Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t occur in every hostage or abusive situation.

Four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome:

1.  Perceived or real threat to one’s physical or psychological survival and belief that the abuser will carry out the threat. The abuser may: •Assure the victim that only cooperation keeps loved ones safe.

•Offer subtle threats or stories of revenge to remind the victim that revenge is possible if they leave.

•Have a history of violence leading the victim to believe they could be a target.

2. Presence of a small kindness from the abuser to the victim •In some cases, small gestures such as allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water are enough to alter the victim’s perception of the abuser.

•Other times, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat can be seen as proof that the abuser is not “all bad.”

3. Victim’s isolation from other perspectives •Victims have the sense they are always being watched. For their survival they begin to take on the abuser’s perspective. This survival technique can become so intense that the victim develops anger toward those trying to help.

•In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome the victim may feel the abusive situation is their fault.

4. Perceived or real inability to escape from the situation •The victim may have financial obligations, debt, or instability to the point that they cannot survive on their own.

•The abuser may use threats including taking the children, public exposure, suicide, or a life of harassment for the victim.

Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.




Resource:  RAINN,Psychology, Therapy & Mental Health Resources
















9 Comments
Lauren
5/20/2016 07:15:20 am

Why was rape not apart of the list above? This omission I find truly suspect, especially as someone who has had such symptoms during a rape. I highly suggest updating your list if you can't logically explain why rape victims can't experience SS

Reply
JOYCE SCHMIDT
2/10/2017 04:10:46 pm

What would be the best book to ask a victim to read to hopefully see they're in this situation?

Reply
Beth link
2/10/2017 11:06:06 pm

Thank you for visiting the site and commenting.

http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=signs--controlling-abusive-partner_1

I have posted a link above to a self-test to see if someone is in an abusive relationship. This may be a first step for your needs.

I recommend that you google for educational books about abusive relationships and/or Stockholm Syndrome. There are many. You could also visit a bookstore.

Hope this helps!

Reply
Joyce Schmidt
2/10/2017 11:14:47 pm

Thank you for your reply. I thought BK you misunderstood my question. The person IS suffering from symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome but she doesn't realize it. There are many books out there so I am looking for the title of one specifically to help this person realize she is in this situation and needs help. Anyone have a suggestion?

Reply
Loulou
3/14/2017 03:03:32 am

Hi I think I'm in this situation,
I need advice help please and I'm pregnant too him too 😢x

Reply
Beth link
3/14/2017 02:22:57 pm

Look for a women's abuse shelter in your area. Look for an abuse hotline in your area for someone local to contact and guide you. If you let me know your area, I can look for a hotline for you and post it for you. Best Wishes...You had the courage to take the first step. Congratulations! Help is available!

Reply
Cristina zorn perera
5/28/2018 09:54:23 am

I have been living in a severely violent domestic violence situation. My life and my families life has been threatened I have been beaten physicilligically abused and cheated on. The abuser and his family manipulates and spreads failed allegations about me in an attempt to take the blame off of themselves. They are working closely with my boss Omaira who he states he is having an affair with. He also has a close bond with Chrissy burrows who is also politically affiliated. They have sabatofed every aspect of my life and are paying people to harass me. My safety place is no longer safe because they have paid the person I was talking to. I am run off the road and been hit on the road multiple tines I am behind traumatized I don’t have anywhere else to turn but to the abuser sometimes he is nice but quickly turns violent they have convinced the tuckahoe police that I am unstable do they don’t hear my complaints I have given them tapes with his description of how he would kill me and my family and they check this isn’t a crime and check there isn’t evidence the corruption is out of hand Ribert fischet John schullman rosemary dacosta stalking and harassing me they hired hector and Quentin from pro Mercedes to have gangs follow me I am in a highly abusive environment attempting to survive

Reply
Follens Guido
3/26/2019 05:18:14 am

Hello,

our daughter is in a very abusive relationship (psyche) . Every little thing we say about it just infuriates her more and more. Is there anything new can do ?

Reply
Beth Watson link
3/26/2019 10:25:38 am

Send her my article Cycle of Abuse under Abuse tab to the right on this website. Also, try to get her to go to counseling. Keep sending her articles about abuser characteristics. ie isolating victim from family, honeymoon stage, etc. Also Send her articles on what a healthy relationship looks like. Good luck...Victims can get stuck in the abusive cylcle.

Reply

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    Beth Watson, LCSW

    I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a strong spiritual foundation providing counseling in the Tallahassee, Florida area.  My areas of interest include grief and loss, depression and anxiety, women's emotional health, trauma related issues such as PTSD, family substance abuse issues, domestic violence and family counseling including couples counseling, children and adolescent behavioral issues and parenting. Giving back is very rewarding with the growth and satisfaction of each client. It is my passion and my honor to serve others. 
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